What did you do this weekend? Did it require multiple units of police back-up? Did it involve a wedding, a stun gun, a drunk 14-year-old, and someone grabbing a cop’s dick? Did it go down in the self-proclaimed Pretzel Capital of the World? If you answered “What is the Pretzel Capital of the World?” to one or more of these questions, shut up and hear me now: You are not one quarter cool as this couple, whose love may one day die, but whose recent insane nuptials will thankfully live forever—in the form of an incredible police report.